Doesn't do whatever a spider can.

There's been a spider living in my kitchen for the last six months. It hasn't moved. It moves; it does that odd bicycling thing that spiders do that makes it look as if they're washing, and perhaps they are. But it doesn't do anything. It doesn't kill anything, it doesnt even have a proper web: it's just suspended on a St David's cross of silk, hanging there.

Robert the Bruce would still be stuck in his cave, hugging his knees with a numb arse, if he were me.

Desperate Living

This has been the worst week of my life. Real misery is shopping for lipstck in Wood Green shopping centre two days before Christmas and seeing the woman you love more than anything in the world, now almost totally bald and the few remaining hairs glued flat to her scalp with Aloe Vera paste, burst into tears because shes too tired to go on and too confused to use an escalator.

They didn't have the bastard lipstick either.