Wednesday, 16 February 2011

An ology in ineptitude

Kelly spent Friday morning attempting to sort out the ongoing problems with our BT package. None of it works and every attempt to make it work makes it worse. It underscores just exactly how unsuited to the modern world I am (there is a reason why there are no pictures on my blog! I have tried, it just doesn't seem to work). Wireless Broadband seems predicated on magic; unknowable influences, probably to do with lodestones, crystals or some sort of shamanic ritual. We have no phone, no television and no internet. All attempts to fix it have failed, leading to baffled conversations with baffling BT technicians.

I take up the fight on Saturday morning. On each occasion my profile is raised, I am further prioritised, my customer status is enhanced. In practice this means nothing, of course: I'm still endlessly repeating my name, address, a short biographical sketch and the telephone number I'm calling about. An hour and a half on the phone, four BT technicians and one dash in a hailstorm to top up my mobile, and I'm told that my system will be fixed by the 18th "at the latest". This is the twelth. I'm then sent a confirmation text with the caveat that if the fault isn't with BT equipment I will be charged £130. I sent a short and direct text back.

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We're moving. Kelly's drugs have been approved by Belfast Medical Association so we're away to Norn at the end of March. My new life beginning at forty. This should be interesting.

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Life without the internet is odd. I'm reading "Darwin's Island" and watching "TV Burp", both laudable, but I feel as if I should be doing something else...this blog is like something someone giving up cigarettes would do to keep his hands busy. If I can't slag off adverts on telly, while watching telly, what the hell use am I? Colgate Sensitive pro-relief is getting off scott free! The Vodaphone Bees! The fucking Vodaphone Bees! (what's the story there anyway? Why bees? Aren't telephone communication masts supposed to be fucking with the bees navigational systems? Isn't that twisting the knife a bit. Poor the bees.)*

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Michaelangelo was known as "The Inventor of Pork Things" by his contemporaries because of his need to stick cocks on all of his statues. This is a somewhat unrelated note, by the way.

* Further perusal tells me that these are in fact "Free-bees" or "Freebies" to indicate the range of high value offers available to Vodaphone customers. It's a pun, then. That's all right then.

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